How Long?

It was Friday night again. I trotted into my room, exhausted from the night before's work, from the dawnie I attended in the morning, from the show I had just done at the radio station and from life in general. I know I am in university so that I can make a better life for myself, so that I can enable the life that I dream about every night but it doesn't hurt any less that I wake up in the morning and realise that I'm not quite living the dream yet. It's the wait that kills me and while I'll agree that there's no reason to rush into the world unprepared there's something alluring about diving into the unknown.

At university, all the students are working towards something, well, most of them anyway but I know quite a few people who have left their studies half way to pursue (successfully) their dreams and I am (not) ashamed to say that I envy them. I am here, at Rhodes, waiting for something exciting to happen to me, waking up everyday hoping that ''today is the day'' I meet someone, or win a scholarship somehow or even win that draw I entered on facebook for a new laptop but instead I wake up staring at the odd stain on my ceiling shaped like a cloud. I roll out of bed, open the curtains without giving my eyes time to adjust to the harsh glare of morning light, reach for my glasses and think about that which has to be done (but probably will not be done) that day..

Better than this...

So, like most young adults I began this year with zest, enthusiasm and about twelve different new years resolutions. Lose weight, stop smoking, do better at school, get a part time job etc... What made me different I thought, was that I was actually sticking to them; I joined the gym and was losing weight, was on a diet I actually liked and felt confident enough to think about dating more realistically... In terms of my school work I started with a few bum notes but turned them into symphonies within a month and a half and then one day it all just went a little pear shaped and I had trouble recovering from one mishap without doing harm to the other.

I fell off the diet and cut down on my gym hours, got a part time job but failed to budget properly, started smoking again and so on. The only thing that seemed to be under control, partly because I felt it was in the hands of a higher power (yes I am a Christian) were my school marks which are higher than they have ever been in my life but now, it's about four months later and exam time and I am finding it somewhat difficult to study as hard as I know I have to if I want my term marks to reflect in my exams.

It's awful and it really has to stop. I don't want to be the victim of my own laziness. This year was meant to be a year of change and I was changing for the better. Suddenly I feel as though it's me grasping for straws and the only difference between this and last year's behaviour is that this time I know which straws to grab if I want to stay afloat. I guess that's why I've started a new blog to document my 'mid-year's resolutions' <- also known as recovery from 'not fully achieved new years resolutions'.. I need to do it better this time around, I need to face myself and in the words of Keane tell myself, "You can do so much better than this"...